Gaslighting

With Gaslighting being so prevalent these days, it’s worth us looking at this tactic in more detail. 

This is especially so because it is frequently over-used to excuse bad behaviour, such as guilt-tripping and lying. It is a term that became more popular in the mid 2010’s but first originated in 1938. Gaslighting, in essence, adversely affects our sanity, ignores our emotions and overrides our needs.

Gaslighting can be devastating in many ways, physically and psychologically. It erodes trust, potentially causing a victim to be reluctant to be in a relationship again.  This is because it crushes a person’s view that people are generally good, making them suspicious of all their close relationships. The victim can blame themselves for being too dependent on others, or too vulnerable or trusting.  It can severely affect a victim’s self-esteem because of the self-blame that often results.

Gaslighters often have psychopathic tendencies, or at the very least narcissism or a personality disorder.  Gaslighting can be confused with narcissism and so for a more detailed explanation of the difference please read this article.  However, in essence ‘While a narcissist lies and exaggerates to boost their fragile self-worth, a gaslighter does so to augment their domination and control.’

Like in any type of abusive relationship, gaslighters often present one persona to their victims and another to everyone else.  This can cause their victims to assume that they will not be believed about the gaslighting if they speak out.  Additionally, if a victim disagrees with their perpetrator, they may themselves portray as if they are being victimized.

Virtually everyone can be vulnerable to gaslighting as it often is more successful than you would predict. It is a technique which has been utilised all through history, by anyone from individuals in homes, to cult leaders, and dictators. Because of the tools that they utilise, gaslighters are often difficult to identify.  It is usually easier to see the effect they have on their surrounding victims. Gaslighters typically repeat the tactics across several relationships. 

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and a subtle form of psychological manipulation in order to gain control and power over someone in any type of relationship. Perpetrators intentionally or unconsciously but methodically feed false information to their victims that causes them to question the truth, especially about themselves. They do this for the control gained (physically, emotionally or financially) and/or for the sheer pleasure.

Initially the person conducting the gaslighting can be charming and the relationship can start out well.  They may even share a large amount of personal information very quickly in order to gain trust.  The victim can sometimes experience overwhelming good behaviour from the gas lighter, also known as love-bombing.  This is a tool used to quickly establish trust, making the victim let down their guard.  In most cases, the manipulation usually starts subtly, but over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and powerful. 

Another time that a gaslighter can seem charming is if the victim attempts to leave the relationship. The perpetrator may then try “hoovering,” which is a tactic of praising the victim and telling the victim how much they love them. They also usually promise to change their behaviour but if the victim agrees to stay then gaslighters tend to resume their toxic behaviour. 

Manipulation is a key part of gaslighting, and is a tactic used by most humans.  Even children of a young age try to manipulate their parents at an early age, and we are all vulnerable to marketers.  However, gaslighting is a more rare and pathological behaviour that utilises intentional manipulation in order to control someone and not just to influence them.

Initially a gaslighter’s tactics can be to lie about straightforward things, but gradually the extent of the misinformation increases.  Usually, the victim will be accused of lying, even to others such as close family or friends.  Usually this is peppered with some positive reinforcement to attempt to confuse the victim about their tactics. 

For an example of gaslighting in medicine, gender stereotypes have ‘historically painted women as being irrational, hysterical or not having the knowledge to advocate for themselves within a medical setting.  That’s why, in part, fibromyalgia often goes undiagnosed when a patient’s chronic pain is dismissed in a medical setting.’

If you think you are being gaslit check out this resource for your next steps:
Think You’re Being Gaslit? Here’s How to Respond

If you need help leaving a gaslighter please check out the following resources:
Are You OK? Support For Me
Womens Refuge: Get Help

If you’re not sure if you are being gaslit the quiz found here can be helpful:
Cleveland Clinic: Am I Being Gaslighted? Take This Quiz

See more Health Helpline articles here.